the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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