She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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