This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
