Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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