Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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