1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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