Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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