I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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