all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
