My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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