god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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