What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
