ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
