Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
