I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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