dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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