im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
