dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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