you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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