i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
