So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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