can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My ATM looks so different sober.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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