ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
