I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
