I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's rum buckets o'clock
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
