I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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