walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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