I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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