the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
