even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
