we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
