There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
