i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
