Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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