my phone needs a breathalizer
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
