He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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