How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
