the condom got lost in my hair
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
