Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
