I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
