did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
