i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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