the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
