i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
