I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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