Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
