if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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