I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
