allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
