I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
