i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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