Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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