All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
